The Awareness Initiative Blog

February 11, 2008

My husband and I noticed we occasionally try to fix each other instead of expressing our own needs. I know we’re not alone in this. We both want each other to be playing his or her “A” game – being a happy, loving, positive, effective, communicative . . . self. We say we like each other that way because it’s good for the other person. Oh sure, we each want the other to be happy. Honestly, we ask each other to change because we like each other better that way. It’s more fun when he’s loving and funny. I’m more fun when I’m happy and playful. So we try to change each other. It goes something like this:

I don’t like it when he gets “in his head.” I want him to be more in his heart. So I ask him to. This doesn’t work. The head guy tells me he is in his heart. Of course he does. Head guy always says that.

Or, I express how I feel and do this by recounting exactly what happened. He says I’m blaming him and I need to speak differently to him. This makes me feel unheard, and well, you probably know the normal progression from there. This time we tried another approach (after a bit of a er, um, discussion).

We learned and we grew. We decided we will now accept the other person for better or worse. That doesn’t mean we have to stay in the same room. And if we need to be treated differently we will tell the other person how we want to be treated; not ask the other person to change. Well, that’s the plan. No matter what, remembering our love for each other is the key. It will certainly make for a Happy Valentines Day . . . Which I heartfully wish for all of you.

Those of you who I’ve coached or taught have yet another example of why we try to fix others and why it doesn’t work. “Projection roses” are also great tools to use when you want to express your own needs.